Well, I guess I should start this speech off with a little confession. Although, I was happy to hear that Kevin and Emily were getting married and had set a date, I was more than a little bit confused when Kevin told me that the wedding was in the middle of October. You see, Kevin is a die-hard Cardinals fan and I just assumed that Emily, being one of those poor people born into a world of Cubs fandom, just simply had no idea how important that month might be.

Aside from making fun of the Cubs, which is only slightly easier than shooting fish in a barrel, this whole wedding did start me thinking on just exactly what type of woman willingly marries my brother and joins the Weber family. We knew that Kevin really liked her when he did the only intelligent thing he could when it came to introducing her to the family: he didn’t, for six months, and nobody could blame him for that, as you soon shall see.

So, what does it take to be a Weber? Here are just a few things

(1) A strong will: Growing up I definitely loved my little brother and often showed him exactly how much with my fists. In fact, his first words were “He hit me”. I knew I liked Emily when my brother smarted off and she smacked him good. After seeing her keep my brother in line, I knew that she was someone I could trust.

(2) A catch phrase: The characters in this family all have their own interchangeable catchphrases. From now on Emily, you can say “I seen it” or tell anyone you want to “bite me” whenever you want. Above all, Emily whenever Kevin acts up feel free to use Grandma Kaplan’s catchphrase and tell him to: “Go jump”. Also, I could describe our various nicknames, but since Grandma Kaplan can’t even remember our first names, let’s not confuse her even further, right Barry?

(3) A special sense of holiday cheer: Many of you already know that the Webers are as ruthless as they are smart. And we spend our holidays throwing trash at the family patriarch, using and re-using children’s plastic silverware and generally trying to guess who will be first one to crack under the pressure. In one picture that pretty much sums up this idea, Kevin is bawling his eyes out while I sit next to him with a giant grin on my face. We have a family motto when it comes to holidays: "It isn't a Weber family Christmas unless somebody cries." 

So there you have some of the tools you need to become a Weber, except for a shirt with your name on it. I would like to welcome Emily into our family but we have to warn you, we aren’t taking him back. In fact, I’m pretty sure my parents have already changed the locks.

Okay, I think I’ve said enough and I fear the mutiny that might come if I prevent you from returning to the open bar so I would like to remind my brother of Grandpa Kaplan’s key to a successful marriage. The only correct response to Emily when she asks you to do something is just two simple words: “Yes, dear.”

So here’s to you Kevin and Emily, let your marriage last as long as the Cub’s haven’t won a world series.