Well, I guess I should start this speech
off with a little confession. Although, I
was happy to hear that Kevin and Emily were getting married and had set a date,
I was more than a little bit confused when Kevin told me that the wedding was
in the middle of October. You see, Kevin is a die-hard Cardinals fan and I just
assumed that Emily, being one of those poor people born into a world of Cubs
fandom, just simply had no idea how important that month might be.
Aside from making fun of the Cubs, which
is only slightly easier than shooting fish in a barrel, this whole wedding did
start me thinking on just exactly what type of woman willingly marries my brother and joins the Weber
family. We knew that Kevin really liked
her when he did the only intelligent thing he could when it came to introducing
her to the family: he didn’t, for six months, and nobody could blame him
for that, as you soon shall see.
So, what does it take to be a Weber? Here are just a few things
(1)
A strong will:
Growing up I definitely loved my little brother and often showed him
exactly how much with my fists. In fact,
his first words were “He
hit me”. I knew I liked
Emily when my brother smarted off and she smacked him good. After seeing her keep my brother in line, I
knew that she was someone I could trust.
(2)
A catch phrase: The characters in this family all have their
own interchangeable catchphrases. From
now on Emily, you can say “I seen it” or tell anyone you want to “bite me”
whenever you want. Above all, Emily
whenever Kevin acts up feel free to use Grandma Kaplan’s catchphrase and tell
him to: “Go jump”. Also, I could describe our various nicknames,
but since Grandma Kaplan can’t even remember our first names, let’s not confuse
her even further, right Barry?
(3)
A special sense of holiday cheer:
Many of you already know that the Webers are as ruthless as they are
smart. And we spend our holidays
throwing trash at the family patriarch, using and re-using children’s plastic
silverware and generally trying to guess who will be first one to crack under
the pressure. In one picture that pretty
much sums up this idea, Kevin is bawling his eyes out while I sit next to him
with a giant grin on my face. We have a
family motto when it comes to holidays: "It isn't a Weber family Christmas
unless somebody cries."
So there you have some of the tools you
need to become a Weber, except for a shirt with your name on it. I would like to welcome Emily into our family
but we have to warn you, we aren’t taking him back. In fact, I’m pretty sure my parents have
already changed the locks.
Okay, I think I’ve said enough and I fear
the mutiny that might come if I prevent you from returning to the open bar so I
would like to remind my brother of Grandpa Kaplan’s key to a successful marriage. The only correct response to Emily when she
asks you to do something is just two simple words: “Yes, dear.”
So
here’s to you Kevin and Emily, let your marriage last as long as the Cub’s haven’t
won a world series.